It was the kind of phone message you don’t want to get from your beloved anytime, but at night, but after multiple hours of driving at the end of an exhausting weekend, it hit me even harder: “I have an emergency. I split open the stitches from my knee surgery in a fall. I’ve called 911 and the ambulance is coming. I’m bleeding heavily.”
I was about 15 minutes from home, and though I did not get a ticket for speeding, I deserved one. But I did not get away scot-free. A few blocks from home, I ran over a large piece of metal somehow left in the middle of the street. I could hear the ripping sound beneath me. The car actually lifted up at the front end and dropped down heavily, breaking a headlight.
Yes, this neighborhood is dark at night, but I am pretty sure that in a saner driving moment I would’ve seen whatever it was first.
By the time I got home, my husband was already on the gurney outside with six paramedics ready to load him into the ambulance. Of course he was relieved I had arrived. Still, there was nothing for me to actually do but follow the ambulance to the hospital (in the car which was now making that awful “dragging metal” sound).
Sitting in the ER, as Jonathan cheerfully bantered with the excellent nursing staff taking care of him, I was the one shaking – and humbled. There had been two accidents in 15 minutes, and I had caused the second one by panicking over the first. Why? My husband had said the words, “The ambulance is coming.” What made me think I had to get there at least as soon as the paramedics did?
I have learned that one of the blind spots of hardworking, responsible “giver” type people is a belief in their indispensability in every difficult situation. I am one of these. How about you?
Because I fell back into believing in my own indispensability – which in fact holds me hostage to fear and leads into a downward spiral from there – I got a stern (and expensive) warning for which I am actually grateful. It could have been a whole lot worse.
It is time to drop the exhausting, even dangerous, story of my own indispensability. I invite you to the same.
The Universe has been calling me to the spiritual practice of letting go a lot lately. This is only the latest installment in that course.
I contribute best when I remember that the Source Energy of Being runs through all, and I am nobody’s Higher Power, including my own. I don’t have to do it all, and I can’t. Fear is always disempowering. When stress hits, I want calm myself, “feel the Force” and let it guide me.
Yes, even when the ambulance is coming.
With You on the Path,